i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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