umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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