im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
