We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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