Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
