dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
