Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
