I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
