I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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