yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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