clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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