hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
