I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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