life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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