I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
