K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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