any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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