My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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