the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
