I puked a lego.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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