I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
