Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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