You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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