I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
