and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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