What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
