Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
