I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize