I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
