you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
