In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
