Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she peed on how many people?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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