My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
