why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
