New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
