Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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