you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
