it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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