so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
