i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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