Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
