Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
