i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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