I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
