WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
