Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's like heaven, but drunker
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
