i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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