im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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