True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
