As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
