I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
