Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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