pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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