you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
