did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
