I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She is in my trunk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
