I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
