you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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