i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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