his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize