I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
