wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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