why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
